Welcome to Lexicon Salad!

This is my collection of stories and random musings. Take a look around and have a laugh. If you like any of the tales here, feel free to comment.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Lexicon Salad

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IM SO CONFUSED!

Monday the 32nd right? Wait. That's not right...



















Just suffered a weird moment of panic.

No more than  minute ago I posted an article on another blog. Reviewing the blog itself I noticed that the date stamp for the post was Sunday January 2, 2011. Wow it isn't midnight yet? I checked the time on the status bar, it showed it being 12:46. Shouldn't it be Monday the 3rd then? I thought back, what day was it?! I know there was football on the t.v. that day, so it was Sunday before midnight, right? This is where the panic set in. What if I was living a different day when it wasn't that day? How can I be so disconnected from time and space? OH GOD WHY!!!

I sought condolence for my paranoia and realized that it doesn't really matter at all. Hope everyone has a good whatever day they're living!

I Drank A Cigarette Once

Now with coconut!

One day I was sitting around the house, not really doing anything particular of note. Sitting on the couch I began to feel a bit thirsty. Deciding to check the fridge, I got up and went into the kitchen. I glanced in the fridge and to my dismay there was absolutely nothing to drink. No soda, purple stuff, not even a drop of Sunny D to be found. I didn't want to resort to drinking tap water either as the taste of it resembled that of pool water.

I walked around the kitchen counter and back into the living room. As I passed by our bar I noticed a can sitting there. I looked at it, a can of Monster Energy Drink. I reached over, grabbing the can. It was still quite heavy. I hadn't recalled seeing it the previous day, so I assumed my fiance had brought it home the previous night and left it there. It was during the summer and we regularly ran the A.C. so the can was still kinda of cold.

Figuring that it hadn't been sitting there for a week I decided that it should be safe enough to drink. I threw the can back, taking a mouthful of the liquid in my mouth. Generally I don't really care for Monster, I'd prefer Rockstar any day, but these were desperate times. Something was off though about this though.

The first thought that I had was, since when did they put shredded coconut in these things? I swished the fluid around in my mouth. Yup, sure enough there were strips of something floating around in it. The delay between my taste buds and brain finally lifted and I came to a shocking realization. What had been floating around in the can was not shredded coconut. Nope. Judging by the taste which I would compare to that of a stinking ashtray it dawned on me that what was floating around in the energy drink was in fact loose tobacco from a cigarette.

I nearly dropped the can back on the bar and ran for the sink. Just barely getting over the sink I spit the vile liquid from my mouth. I gasped for a breath moaning, "Oh GOD!" It was at that point the the remnants of the tobacco flavor was still lingering in my mouth and the back of my throat. The dry heaving followed shortly there after. I stood over the sink coughing and gagging, nearly loosing my composure. I ran the faucet, cupping my hands underneath the flowing water, hurriedly shoveling the water in my mouth. It did little to help.

I paused a moment and then started dry heaving again. I had neglected to remember that my fiance, Steph, would sometimes buy an energy drink on her way to work, not drink it and leave it in her car for a day or two, putting cigarettes out in the wasted beverage. She had brought the can in to throw away and had neglected to do so, leaving it there for me to unsuspectingly drink the tainted soft drink. Whether it was accidental or a conspiracy to get rid of me is yet to be seen.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

How To Not To Be Successful

[I did have a link previously posted to the original of this that was on another site, they deleted it however for me using the word FUCK in it once. Fuckers. So here it is in case you missed it.]

How not to be successful 

Learning how to not be successful isn't nearly as easy as it may seem. The art of failing at everything you do and life in general takes a great deal of dedication to your goal. While one might try and take on this direction in life on their own, it pays to seek expert advice and thoroughly research what it takes to be a total screw-up. I can speak from experience.

I have a great banking job, loving wife, nice car, and beautiful house. I was the envy of all my family and friends. Having achieved the greatest of accomplishments in life, I felt that there were still some challenges out there for me to tackle. While gaining all of these great things in my life and accomplishing great goals was far too easy, there had to be something left for me to have to struggle to get in life. Without knowing it, I met a man who would become my personal guru, and my life would be changed forever.

Happy New Year!

To any of you out there that might have read this page more than once, thanks so much for that, also, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

My Cellphone Went For a Swim!

OK, I'm guilty. I talk on the phone while driving from time to time. While I feel that this activity does not hinder my driving skills any, I still refuse to text and drive. Usually when using my phone when I'm done with my call I don't really have anywhere to put the phone. I can't sit it on the center console on my floorboard, or on the dashboard, nor the seat next to me. I drive somewhat crazy, so any turn that I might make would send my phone flying. My preferred storage place of my phone while driving is between my legs on the seat.  Not only does this prevent the phone from going airborne, but also allows me to feel it vibrating if I get a call, even if blasting my stereo at full volume. Did I mention you should call me while I'm driving sometime?

One night while returning home from school I had made arrangements for my buddy Everett to come by and hang out for a bit. I finished the call and into the usual spot goes the phone. I arrived at the house and shut off my truck. I gathered my cigarettes from between my visor and roof, I actually have a good place for those, and pulled my keys from the ignition.

It hadn't ever been much of an issue before, but the parking space that I chose had a sewer grate in it. The way the lines were painted for the spot the grate was right beside the driver side door so when you stepped out of the vehicle you were standing right over it. Having gathered all my personal items I opened the door and quickly swung my legs out of the cab, planting them on the ground and standing up. It was then that I realized my mistake.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Jesus! I'm Freezing!

I awoke this morning, clad in only my underwear to use the bathroom. By the time I had arrived in front of the toilet to relieve my aching bladder I realized that I was violently shivering. Hm this could complicate matters some, I thought. This little fact did not play any crucial parts in mishaps in missing the toilet, but there was an entirely different set of issues going on.

I promptly got myself dressed and mulled about the house. Even despite the fact that I was wearing my good jeans I found that I was still shivering quite a bit.
Hey, you can consider them good if they only have two holes in them!



I checked the thermostat to make sure it hadn't been shut off, sure enough it wasn't, but holy crap!

We could almost hang meat in here

So far this winter we've been having to deal with the cold and the lack of our heat actually being good. Our landlord is the type not to want to spend too much money on unnecessary repairs, even if they are needed.

When we had sugar ants invading our home he was quick to point out that the lease doesn't mention him having to help us fend off the hoards of insects threatening to carry our pets away. With that, we are having to bundle up in the house in an effort to stave off turning into large chunks of ice. Today seemed quite worse though, and I've found that one pair of jeans wasn't doing the trick. I vowed to come up with some way of keeping warm.

My first action was to brew some coffee and make something warm to eat. I figured if my belly was warm that the heat would radiate out, warming my extremities. My next thought was on how I could warm the air in the house. I had thought about switching on the oven and leaving it open, but that requires a box fan, which I don't have. Also there was a wild card, one of the pets, who might accidentally leap into the oven and I already had plans for dinner, so that was out of the question.

After deliberating and failing to come to a solution in that aspect, I figured that the second best thing was to apply heat to my freezing parts. I grabbed a heating pad out of the closet and plugged it in, waiting impatiently for it to warm. Once it got to the right temperature I laid it across my lap, my thighs being the most afflicted. Ah! That did the trick, however the lower part of my legs were left out of the equation.

I sat there thinking for a moment to myself, wishing that I had a space heater of some sort. Ah ha! A light bulb lit over my head. I went into the bathroom, digging in the cabinet under the sink. I shoved tampons, rolls of toilet paper, and a miscellaneous nudie magazine to the side in search of the ultimate solution to my needs. There it is! I snatched it up and made my way back into the bedroom. I quickly plugged it in and brought my idea to fruition. Sure enough this was a great idea!
If you ignore the smell of my leg hairs burning

Bit of Bathroom Issues This Morning

I woke up this morning both freezing and having to pee really really badly. I grabbed my phone and saw that I had missed a few calls so dialed my voicemail. I went into the bathroom, with my phone on speaker and stood in front of the toilet. I shivered hard, man it's gotta be sixty-something in here, I thought. I looked beside me, and one of our cats was standing on the edge of the sink counter looking up at me.

My first voice mail started to play, but I couldn't quite hear it. The cat was incessantly meowing at me, while simultaneously pawing at the arm I held my phone in, trying to get my attention. I ignored her at first, trying to focus on hearing the voice mail, while relieving myself. She continued to meow louder, while still scratching at my arm. I still couldn't hear the call. She clawed my arm one final time and out of frustration, I sat the phone down and popped her gently on the head with my hand.

She turned and bolted off the sink counter, in the process she kicked my fiance's hair brush off the counter. I helplessly watched as it went through the air, landing with a, "clickity-clack and ploop!" right into the toilet. I still hadn't even finished peeing either. Once finished, I used the toilet brush to pin it to the side of the bowl while I flushed. I then unrolled a heap of toilet paper and reached in and retrieved it. I had a feeling then, that it was going to be a rough day.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Happy Holidays!

Dear Anyone who reads this,

Hope you had a happy holidays! Will try to get back on track Sunday and get to posting some more funny. In the meantime, enjoy your time with family and friends! Woo hoo!

Deshonga

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Chinese Takeout


One evening my fiance and I found ourselves sitting on the couch feeling particularly hungry and lazy as well. Not having enough care to cook a meal, we decided to run out and pick up a quick bite to eat. Usually when we do go to get something to eat, the amount of time the whole thing takes, I would guess that about ten percent of that is taken up by actually driving to our destination, ordering and waiting on the food, eating the meal, and returning home, while the other ninety percent is wasted deliberating exactly where we want to go and what we want to eat.

It's not that we are strongly opinionated about where we choose to eat, but also again, too lazy to decide for ourselves where to eat. "I picked last time, it's your time to pick," one of us will say to the other. Now despite the fact that neither person wants to officially designate the place we're going to eat, the person on the other side of the suggestions will shoot down at least the first three choices. To further complicated the matter, my fiance always desires to have some sort of Asian food, where I have to be in the mood for it.

So on this particular night, my lack of desire to put effort into anything, she suggested, "We should go get Chinese food," and I readily agreed. It would have been fantastic if they delivered to us, but we live on the wrong side of tracks, so to speak, so no one delivers to us after dark. I readied myself and we were off.